tattoo inspiration

So I had this intense moment of inspiration about my next tattoo. I really want a fleur de lis! I've got a whole story about this...I'm not sure I can put it all down in words yet, as it still seems to be emerging, but needless to say, the fleur de lis and I seem to have been on a journey for over two decades now and it's developed a lot of meaning for me. I'm going to keep mulling it over and thinking about how to express what exactly it has come to symbolize for me, so that I can share it. Some things are obvious things to share: Mary Magdelene, French/Alsatian heritage, prophetic dream I had, stained glass I made, signs and symbols...

I'm swooning about the start of the long holiday weekend. Really looking forward to spending more time with my new lady friend (codename: Sargent) who has quite thoroughly gotten under my skin in the best of ways. Beginnings are so lovely, and I'm savoring every delicious second.

Gorgeous Grace

Hot weather has arrived in Chicago, which means making the switch to iced coffee, summer dresses and sleeveless tops. Inevitably someone will notice my Anima Sola tattoo, which has been hibernating under winter sweaters for far too long, and remark on it's loveliness or ask me when I got it — always surprised that they hadn't noticed it until now; after all, I've had her for five years now. But even before the day that I got this ink, Anima Sola was already a part of me; getting the ink was just the next phase in her journey along with me. It's a good reminder on this beautiful summer day that there are many gifts around us that go unnoticed, yet are there — always there. Such is the nature of Grace. We need only to step into the day with an open heart, ready to see what is around us always, and let ourselves be surprised by the grace-filled moments that await us. Sometimes we encounter a new person or situation that is very like a new summer dress on a gorgeous summer day — revealing what was always underneath the sweater, but no one got a chance to appreciate. But it's always there, whether we see it, whether we appreciate it or not. Take the time today to recognize grace. Appreciation will come naturally.

Intrigued

I met her (who I have yet to to think of an appropriate nickname for...she already has the perfect nickname) for dinner out with some of her friends and then a movie. It was fun to meet her circle — and having already subjected her to mine, it was only fair that I take a turn. No problem...I'm never awkward in a social scene, and the conversations flowed easily over a lovely meal. At the movie, we held hands like flirty teenagers and let the tension build between us. Afterward, we were both so hyper — clearly feeling so ramped up and I desperately wanted to find some privacy with her. We walked along the quiet downtown streets, taking in the skyline and talking about what we were feeling — deciding to go get a drink. To make a long story short...this may be a long story. Things are building slowly...which I like. We talked about keeping things easy, uncomplicated, drama free...which I also like. Of course, my life is seldom uncomplicated, but I appreciate the spirit of that sentiment right now, and the place from where it comes. I appreciate not rushing into anything, but also relishing the growing emotions and desires that we were both able to share. I sensed that this was a good step for both of us, given our past histories of relationships and non-relationships. At this point, I'm totally willing to let go of expectations and just stay in the moment with this, and see where it leads. Seriously. I'm looking forward to our next date on Saturday night, and getting to spend more time with this girl who intrigues me so so much.

Ah....I just had a thought. Given what seems like a huge love of sci-fi fantasy/superhero movies on her part, perhaps a superhero nickname is in order? To the bat cave....

Possibilities

Lovely butterflies are flipping through my stomach this morning. I'm listening to love songs and have the biggest smile on my face. I'm in dreamland. Mmmmm, that girl. I've known I've been attracted to her for years, but that kiss this weekend at my 40th birthday party just swept me off of my feet. Instead of 40, I feel 17. Smitten as a high school girl.

But even before the kiss, when I first saw her from across the room — a girl I hadn't seen in over a year — a friend of a friend who doesn't even live in this country anymore — I was thrilled and excited all at once. She came...for me. I practically threw my arms around her. It took a little restraint to not come on too strong! Our immediate chemistry took us both by surprise...and now I can't stop thinking about the girl with the amazing dance moves, the purest heart I've run across, a shining grace and spirit, and the most lovely smile and eyes -- they truly captivate and enthrall me.Gaaaaah!

This feels good! I'm looking forward to dinner soon and seeing where this might lead. Butterflies like these are are not to be overlooked or taken for granted.

Red Thread

Moving is a bitch. But when it's done, it's done, and you slowly can go thorough the motions of unpacking and settling in. I awake every morning to the sounds of the trains and the many birds. The ravens, the woodpeckers. The old house brings memories to the tasks before me. I have been bound to this house since I was a child, and its creature comforts.

I took Little M to see 'Cats' after the May Crowning and we had a great time. My own mischievous cats have been exploring the new digs, and breaking several things in the process. They knocked down nearly everything from my vanity and broke a little tea cup that I keep baubles in, along a little wooden box. The lid had come off and the contents had spilled out. This was a box I kept little bits of magic treasure in over the years, and one of the things I noticed on the floor was a wad of red thread. Ah yes, I had forgotten about this bit of magically infused thread. I silently thanked the feline intervention for bringing this matter to my attention.

I set the thread back on my vanity while I took a few days to think and dream about the proper words to release it. This was a bit of thread that came to me in a magical moment of fate, and symbolized a bond that no longer existed, yet persisted — a tie that had been broken, yet lingered. It must be returned to the element from which it came to me — to the wind.

When I awoke this morning, I knew I had the right magical words in mind to finally release this thread, to sever the bond forever. And even if the words were not right, they were right enough, and the time was overdue. And so surrounded by the trains and the birds, I broke the spell, and cast the thread to the wind.

It was only later as I searched for an image under the search terms "red thread' that I discovered that "red thread" symbolizes "fate" according to the Chinese, and those bound by the red thread are bound as if in marriage. It is similar to the Western concept of soul mates.


My life has reflected soul mates that come and go, but are not "life long" partners, as Hollywood would like, and I might fancy when swept into a romantic mood. But for now, my soul is again free, bound to no one and grounded again in my own life, my family, and all that I will. Nothing has every brought me more peace than that in my 40 years.

Darkening of the Light

Shine on friend, goodnight...why, then, the darkening of the light?

~Concrete Blonde

I planned to do more today, but after seeing The Nurse at Mass last night, I was pretty sure that I would revert to my standing tradition of skipping out on Good Friday services. Delle. And now Janine. How could I go and not weep like a child, bawl uncontrollably? I don't have the strength for it this year. Not in front of them. This year...why aren't I packing like I promised I would? Why do I just want to lie on my couch and cry? Ahhh, the date today. The Nurse and I met exactly 5 years ago this night -- on Good Friday. It has come full circle. Damn this almost-anniversary, sneaking up on me!

So my I Ching reading brought me to a passage called "The Darkening of the Light." And I thought it was just a Concrete Blonde song all this time...but no, it's Confucius. Its message — I must stay steadfast, stoking my inner light — that few can see outwardly in this time of great personal trial. And persevere. Always persevere. Yeah....that's what I've been doing. Sigh. I'm still human, and I don't know how long it's going to take to get used to seeing her with that new girl sitting in church. It made me think really unchristian things, so I know I've got a long way to go still.

Tonight I burnt the last pictures of us kissing from the photobooth and the little love notes and am trying to let it go. Someone that I used to know. But I just want to listen to the Dixie Chicks, eat ice cream and hug my pillow.

The rabbit hole

This morning, I was thrilled to see the article in the New York Times about the Pope freaking out about priests around the world in a state of disobedience about Women's Ordination. His call for "radical obedience" at the onset of the the Holy Week masses was sharp..and at least at our church, will be defied tonight, as the Priest will wash the feet of both male AND female parishioners.

This Lent, I took on some major meditation practices...trying to fill the holes left from a broken relationship, and heal my heart. Meditation has been a great way for me to do the soul-searching and soul-healing that I really needed to make space in my life to do. Time for "listening." I also found that I really found my bond with my youngest daughter really deepen during this time. She's such a neat kiddo, and I love spending time with her. I've also become somewhat of a hula-hooping diva. I really want to find a good dance class this summer and expand my repitoire to fancy shmancy moves.
I'm slowly starting to learn to trust myself again, and feel grounded once again. It's hard to believe that I was ever lost, that I could ever lose my way. It happens when you search outside of yourself, when you start to give up too much of yourself for another who doesn't value you, doesn't respect your basic humanity. And I have to take a good deal of the responsibility for that, for that choice. Love is blind.

But when the blinders are off, you wonder how you could have ever seen yourself in that light. It's like falling down the rabbit hole and coming up two years later and wondering what the hell happened? Where have I been? Was it all just a dream? Did life go on without me? And now, I have some catching up to do...